Sweet Fancy Moses, Catholic Church Goes UU!


According to an allegedly stunning but actually sort of “well, duh!” statement from the Catholic Church, gay people have value.

The twelve-page report also suggested that divorced people, unmarried parents, and the children of such non-traditional weirdnesses might also have some scrap of humanity.

Not all of the synod’s 41 bishops agreed with the radical shift from the Church’s traditional “go to hell, do not pass ‘Go’, do not collect $200” stance on homosexuality, which dates back to the same list of sins that singles out disobedient slaves, people who wear pantyhose, and blatant lobster-eaters as particularly hell-worthy.

Opponents of the doctrinal shift made clear that the document was a work in progress, adding “Oh, we are so not done ripping this thing apart. We won’t be happy until Neil Patrick Harris takes the veil.”

Archbishop Bruno Forte, the synod’s special secretary, said in a news conference afterward that while the church does not condone gay unions or gay marriage, it must “respect the dignity of every person.”*

Noted Unitarian-Universalist philosopher Deborah Bancroft responded “Dude, UUs have been respecting inherent worth and dignity since 1961! Actually, the origins of Unitarianism are pre-Nicean, emerging in the Apostolic Age as Socinianism and Arianism; these were later classified as heresy but continued…”

At which point we stopped listening because man. That chick just never shuts up, amirite?

*This paragraph is an actual excerpt from an actual news article in the actual New York Times: http://nyti.ms/1u00K3V

The rest is, you know, whatever.


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