Shut up! Shut up! I can’t believe you don’t shut up!

17Jan13

“Ah, here it is, ‘L. L. Bean Boot, Fit Information’.”

::click::

::old-timey music::

“Here at L. L. Bean, we’ve made our boots the same way since the Cretaceous period. Hand-stitched by cranky old Yankees…”

“OK, but I just need…”

“… our boots are just God-awful ugly. That’s why they’re New England’s favorites: hard-working, waterproof boots that won’t go missing smack in the middle of mud season, because they’re too homely to steal.” 

::more old-timey music, scintillating footage of people making boots. Whee.::

“At the time of Noah’s flood, L.L. Bean himself looked at the approaching Tsunami and said, ‘Holy sh…!'”

“NO! Just tell me what size to get! Medium? Wide?”

“Floating on a hastily-improvised raft, L.L. Bean contemplated his sopping socks and thought, ‘Gee, wouldn’t it be great…'” 

“SHUT UP! You’re supposed to be giving me ‘Fit Information’! Not, ‘All the information in the whole wide world and oh, yeah, also fit information when we get good and ready, Missy’! That’s it — I’m gonna go blogster on your sorry Yankee butt!”

And here we are.

I hate web videos. Hate. With hatred. I don’t mind Facebook videos of cute kitties and whatnot, but if I come to your site looking for information, you better not be giving me a dang video. OR, if you MUST be all “I’ve got a video!” I will consider forgiving you if you also provide a transcript.

Why this burning hatred? One word: skim. I can’t skim a video to find what I need. And as difficult as it may be to believe, I am not actually interested in your production value or camera angles or soundtrack or soothing narration. I am definitely not interested in watching people make boots. And then wrap boots. And then put boots in boxes. (I shit you not). No, I am only interested in the one piece of information I need: just that, and nothing else.

Now, I understand that not everyone wants the same piece of information, so you have to make the video appealing to any customer, blah de blah blah, blah de blah BLAH.

Stop. You’re solving the wrong problem. You’re solving the problem called “how to answer everyone’s questions in one video.” You should be solving the problem called “how to answer each individual customer’s individual question as quickly as possible.” And I promise, “The L.L. Bean Historical Archive of Fascinating Duck Boot Lore” ain’t it.

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One Response to “Shut up! Shut up! I can’t believe you don’t shut up!”

  1. You are so right! It’s the skimming thing……


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